Friendship and Marriage

In my marriage and family class, we are studying about John Gottman's views on friendship in marriage. I absolutely love Gottman’s emphasis on friendship. As the reflection prompts summarized,

  “strong marriages have strong friendship as a defining characteristic.”

I believe that marriage should signify the best, the strongest kind of friendship. It should signify a bond so powerful that it is everlasting and enduring. Our husbands and our wives should be our friends and companions.

If marriage is an ascendant form of friendship, then why is marriage so challenging? Perhaps this is because our greatest friendships are given sufficient time to prove themselves against trial. The longer we are friends with one another, the more we learn about them. We gradually progress from surface trivia and daily actions to their inner desires, motives, memories, and dreams. As time progresses, differences between two individuals clash and necessitate accommodation. Furthermore, external challenges often arise and demand cooperation and knowledge of one another in order to adequately prevail. However, these trials should be less defined as barriers to progression and more as opportunities for improvement.

Consider an acquaintance, because we all have one. When you meet them then you greet, exchange pleasantries, and possible discuss topics such as the weather, sports, politics, or general trivia. After your times are up and you separate nothing happens. Little is changed in the day-to-day interactions with an acquaintance. The relationship with acquaintances is unchallenging and it demands little from us beyond an almost scripted series of exchanges. True friendship progresses, struggles, and strengthens. True friendship is mutually beneficial by bringing improvement through the overcoming of obstacles.

I think that it is wise how Gottman encourages couples to,“solve solvable problems.” The resolution of these small problems avoids future conflict, as even the smallest problems will fester. Also, the effort of solving also generates self-improvement. An ideal marriage is not a marriage void of trial. That is the relationship of an acquaintance, and we should not treat our spouses as such. Instead we should actively and mutually seek to improve ourselves by allowing our beliefs and perceptions to be challenged and proven. The greatest friendships and marriages face the greatest trials, and this is wonderful.


Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.