Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

   "It is okay as Latter Day Saints to ask … questions and seek meaningful answers”about sexual intimacy in marriage. Sex is such a huge stigma in the church. People don't talk to their children about if for fear of "tainting" them, when not talking to them is far worse!

   This is something I wish I had understood when I was first married. What really stood out to me was this quote from Sean Brotherson’s article “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”:   “I well remember a long conversation with my mother and my aunt about these questions one evening as I had been reading a book on intimacy in marriage, and I'd asked what that experience was really supposed to be like. My mother laughed and said that sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. I still think that's about the best answer I've ever heard on that question.”

   I really think we spend so much effort in teaching our children the importance of being chaste before marriage that we often neglect to teach them what is right and good about physical intimacy in the marriage relationship. I never had the talk with my mom or dad. My mom totally would have answered any of my questions but since it was never just talked about in general, I didn't go to her with them. I learned almost EVERYTHING about sex from google, school, and my older sisters. 

   The other thing that really stood out to me was from Brother Barlow. In regard to men appreciating affection he says “these expressions of affection are … to the husband what words of appreciation and kind deeds are to the wife. A wife who rejects them tells her husband she doesn’t really care about him. On the other hand, when she stops for a quick hug or even better, initiates the affectionate action herself, she deepens the love between her and her husband.”

   The reason this stood out to me is because of a moment between my husband and I just the other evening. We were both occupied with our phones, and I had reached out and simply laid my hand on his leg and rubbed it for a bit. His looked at me with a bit of surprise and said, “That felt good. You don’t do that very often.” I haven’t really considered lately how important it is for me to initiate these simple and small acts of affection towards my husband, and just how they make him feel when I do.

  It comes to mind that one of the ways we can teach our children about the enjoyment we can gain from the physical side of marriage is to openly show affection for our spouses in appropriate ways. A hug, a quick kiss, or holding hands is something that I think our children need to see us doing. I think it can open up the lines of communication that will lead to deeper conversations later, like the one Brother Brotherson shared, that will help them gain an understanding of sexual intimacy in marriage that follows what the Lord would teach, rather than what the world will teach.

1. Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.
2. Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage." Ensign, Sept 1986, 49. Goddard, chapter 5.