Overcoming Gridlock

One thing I’ve discovered over the course of the last few weeks, is how much I didn’t know, and how much I’ve had to learn from Gottman’s book. I learned more about myself and my relationships through my reading of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I learned the root causes of most of the problems I face in my relationships. I learned that not every problem can be solved, and not every problem is meant to be solved. My husband and I did not get married because we thought one another was perfect, but rather because our love for one another and our willingness to work outweighs the problems we face in our faults and our differences.We make a decision to work through what we can (solvable problems) and to live with what we can’t (perpetual problems). While we are all different, a lot of our basic needs and desires in relationships are the same. We want to feel heard, understood and respected. We want to be enhanced – to be able to better live out and fulfill our dreams together, as opposed to feeling they are being hindered by our spouse.

Even if we don’t quite understand all of our partners dreams, goals, or hobbies, we can still make an effort to be respectful and supportive of them. While my husband and I have things we like to do together, we also both separately enjoy a lot of different activities. One thing that I have found that has been important in our marriage, is being able to find happiness in the other persons happiness.  We don’t have to share all the same interests as our partner but taking interest in what they enjoy goes a long way and can draw us closer together. This may be helpful to us in overcoming the gridlock that occurs when our aspirations are not realized and respected. Feeling that support from our partner is crucial in feeling that our relationship is conducive to achieving our goals, whatever they might be. As Gottman stated, “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.”



Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.